Aaaaaaaargh! Ok, so maybe going to p p p p Pride Park isn't all that bad but do you know how much disinfectant is these days? I had to swab myself for foot and mouth in places I never knew existed.

I travelled over to the dark side to give my, apparently, expert teaching on the art of commentary for the visually impaired. Now for any one who either knows me or reads the rant on a frequent basis you will know that 'Audio descriptive sports commentary' is what i do. So good am i at this that the RNIB (Royal national institute for the blind) have asked me to teach and judge the commentators of tomorrow.

Now that's not bad for an overweight bread packer from Eastwood, who started doing the commentary by accident. In two years I've managed to go from winning the RNIB & BBC's competition, to actually being the one judging the talent.

So, with my tight white t-shirt on and trousers pulled up just below my chin, i donned my Simon Cowell hat and started to see if indeed 'Derby's got talent'.

This Sunday the venue, much to my disliking was Pride dark, sorry Park! And it was upon my arrival that i discovered why the sheep friendly farmers had managed to turn around their fortunes?

Our conference suite was on the second floor, the less sizely of the two floors, because on level 1 there was a church gathering!

A local church in the village of Derby is apparently being renovated, confining the congregation to a place closer to hell if you ask me. Something is of a spiritual source at the Park, as oddly, Derby are undefeated since the Church arrived? I don't know as i'd bless 'em though, i'd certainly stick super glue in the bottom of their wellies!

Supernatural goings on all over the country though it appears as any one who caught the action from the premier league will agree.

Firstly, on Saturday, Kieran Richardson thumps a free kick against the Fulham upright, with goalie beaten. The ball then bounces across the line and hit's the opposite post, then hit's the keeper, rebound's again of the post and comes to rest safely in the keeper's arms. I think Roy Keane's 'luk o da irish' had run out that day.

Even freakier was to see the woodwork hit three times again just one day later. Whilst Juande Ramos turned up at Stoke in a shiny gold spandex leotard, for his tight-rope career act, Stoke too found it easier to hit woodwork than Gazza does to find the bar?

Ricardo Fuller takes a penalty and like so many have already this season beats Gomes in the Spurs goal. Hitting the inside of one post, Fuller sees his shot hit the opposite post before running out for strike partner Dave Kitson, who has a seemingly open goal.

Kitson strikes the ball harder than 18 stone oil rig worker only to see his shot rattle the crossbar. I'll bet you Mystic Meg never predicted that!

Ramos finds himself in a similar situation to our very own CC', only difference is, CC' hasn't spent the £100+ million's that Juande has.

Tree stump-Rooted

That brings us neatly on to Forest and yet another day away without a point. Still the Red's suffer from the absence of Rob Earnshaw and also a settled team.

Carl Fletcher is a good bit of business by CC, the Welsh man has the ability and experience to calm the nerves of a sometimes shaky midfield. It's not the only area that CC needs to look at.

The back line was immense last season and Paul Smith looked safer than putting your money into property, but look at this season. The back four seem as unsteady as the world's economy and Smith looks like a man whose money is in an Icelandic bank!

Lewis McGugan's return could not have been any better timed but even a youngster with all his ability won't be able to get the reds off the bottom on his own. Earnshaw must return and forge a partnership with 'A' another striker or 'B' have two wide men to assist his endeavour.

How long do the Forest board give CC, a man that regular readers will know, i have supported thoroughly but in an industry where results are the rise and fall CC is failing to deliver. Two home games on the bounce must deliver 4 points or a date with Derby may hold fatal consequences for the likable Scot.

Alan March
Commentator for visually impaired spectators at Nottingham Forest and Wembley Stadium.